Stockpiles of Irony Dangerously Low, Says Director

Bernard Wolf is worried man. As Director of the SIR (Strategic Irony Reserve), he is tasked with making sure that the country has supplies of the substance in case of emergency. “We’ve haven’t seen levels like this since McCarthy,” he grumbles, pointing to a chart showing a distinct downward trend. “Our use of irony is not sustainable — just look at this sudden drop right here” — he says, pointing — “that is where the Obama Administration declared that the White House Office of Administration was not  covered by the Freedom of Information Act after thirty years.” He ticks off points on his fingers, “During Sunshine Week. Confirming a Bush Administration policy. It’s a perfect storm!”

He also is concerned about the the low profile that irony has in the public mind. “Most people don’t even know what irony is,” he laments, “and that Alanis Morisette song certainly didn’t do us any favors.” And it isn’t just the government that is affected. The private sector also relies heavily on the SIR. “We’re still reeling from the Amazon 1984 incident of 2009, where digital copies of the book 1984 simply disappeared from people’s devices. It’s the largest single ICI (Irony Consumption Incident) in history.”

Still, he is optimistic about the future. “As more and more preposterous things become simply normal and expected, our need for irony is reduced. And election years certainly help — unrealistic promises and pandering aren’t ironic, they are just politics as usual.”